To have a better understanding we need to look at my life prior to coming to the Orthodox Christian Church. Before finally submitting myself to Christ as my Lord and Saviour at the age of 40, I was extremely lost, living in a life of many sins, and broke most of the Ten Commandments. With much pleading to God, and my wife and I being rejected by our Protestant church, He answered my cry to bring me home. Glory to God that I paid attention! It was nearly immediate that I became a Catechumen and focusing on learning how to change my secular thought process and thinking more Orthodox centered. 

Through normal methods, as most do, I was unable to focus in such a way. For one, I only retain through great repetitiveness, and am unable to have the precision of most people who can easily quote from scripture, or remember specific prayers after only doing them a few times. It was this that I was led through prayer and asking God's guidance which drew me to the monastic vocational practices. However, there are several things that prevent my being able to partake in the fullness of the monastic life. For one, I chose marriage, which automatically disqualifies me from the vocation. Secondly, I have succumbed to several sudden disabling ailments, which to this day cannot be fully explained by my doctors, but the medical evidence is there to back up what I suffer from. So this too disqualifies me from the monastic vocation because you must be able to do hard labor, stand for very long periods, and live a vigorous structured schedule with minimal sleep. This my body just simply will not allow.

However, through many discussions with my priest, and through my genuine sincerity, not to mention hunger to find a balance between marriage and asceticism, that I was given the blessing to struggle to the best of my physical and mental abilities, with his guidance. Of course, with this came many falls, several severe burn outs, and heavy times of spiritual dryness, yet, that hunger remained and would not leave me, thus starting over and learning my limits and boundaries. In many ways it's exactly how a child learns through their stumblings during play and testing their parents in order to understand what is right and what is wrong, what is allowed, and what is not. 

I may not be a monastic, nor am I clergy, although my heart wants to be, and yearns to serve the Church and God in whatever way it possibly can. So it leads me to a seriousness, and critical view of myself, my past sins of egotistical self centered foolishness, and that there is much repentance I must live out for these past actions. So with the blessing of my priest, I put on the black, of a loose fitting, and humble presentation. This as part of my penance, my obedience to Christ, my rejection of continuing on the secular path, and also my obedience to the Church and my priest, who is also my spiritual father. It is my constant reminder that I am a chief sinner so I mourn over my sins, that I can easily allow my own ego to fool me, and that I am my own worst enemy. It is my reminder to keep focus on overcoming my passions, to love my brothers and sisters in Christ, and to keep watch over the rod in my eye as to not judge others. It is my submission to God's will of me and for me to learn how to follow His path for me. All of this which is a slow process of the good struggle which is neverending, and at times painful, because it is a constant looking in the mirror with self judgment and scrutiny. I fully understand that just because I was baptized, it does not mean I am automatically saved, which at any time I can lose my salvation through carelessness. With that said, there is a joy that comes with what appears on the surface, to be a very dark and miserable existence. There is actually a great freedom in such practice, because we are no longer holding the burden and weight of the world on our shoulders. We are giving it all to God, and striving to cleanse ourselves, to purify, illuminate, and become more Christ-like within our hearts. For every struggle, God blesses us with peace, strengthens our hearts, awakens us to the hidden enemies, heals us of our infirmities, and teaches us to love everyone, including those who hate us and wish us harm. It is not an easy path, and it is not meant to be easy, because Christ Himself says, "If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. Assuredly I say to you, there are some standing here who shall not taste death till they see the Son of Man coming in His Kingdom." Matthew 16:24 - 28